Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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