he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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