Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Sext me about skeletons
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
