Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
