I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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