There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
