Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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