Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
