i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
