I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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