i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
