I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
