So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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