So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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