Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
