All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
