It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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