I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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