perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
