dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
