So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
