this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
