my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
