Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
