hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
