remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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