Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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