ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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