So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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