My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
it's like iHOP with fire
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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