So drunk its hurt
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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