Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
my poor anus
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
i think i just lost a toe
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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