Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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