this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
