Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
