Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize