do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize
