Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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