i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
