I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
