Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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