Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
