I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
