Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
