I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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