so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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