If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize