this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
nutella sex= disaster
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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