Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i think i have two assholes
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
50% drunk capacity currently
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize