talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
