it's too hot outside to masturbate.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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