I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
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