i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I need to calm my uterus...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
