Me too!
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize