dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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