Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
